Thursday, November 12 Y 11/12/2015 12:26:00 AM
Well it has been a really long time.
I am now 20, and in uni. And I guess I have really grown a lot from the 16 year old me back then when I last posted in this blog.
I have grown in many ways, but this past week has been especially bad for me. Flunking all that I ever known to be able to do. I really felt like I was at my wit's end. Academics has never been much of a problem for me, but now I just feel like I can't do it. I can't study. I can't do anything. But I guess it was a good reminder. Before today, everything was swept under the carpet. All my problems and all my unhappiness, but I guess with this, I truly saw who cares for me and who just doesn't care for me.
I was lonely.
My greatest fear: To be around people, but still feel utterly and completly alone. This was what was happening in nursing. I don't feel like I click with anyone there. Everyone seems unnatural, and I just don't feel part of anything. :(
When I failed my assessment. The first thing that came into my head is: Will anyone help me? I was so afraid. I couldn't see past my immediate situation. I couldn't lift my eyes to God. I was completely and utterly lost without direction. There were 2 very pivotal resources that helped me see past my situation. The first is 2 songs from Tenth Avenue North. They are "Worn" and "Empty my Hands".
Worn: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM
Empty my hands: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fWUzs6kT1g
These two songs really helped me realign my perspectives. It was difficult. I knew I had to turn to God. But I just couldn't. This song helped me to craft my prayer. The verse sings my situation, and the pre-chorus and chorus gently lifted my eyes to see God. It was the most trying period I've ever experienced in my life.
I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn
I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes
The worst part was when I heard that someone tried to commit suicide in CAPT on Saturday as well. I was having one of the worst days in my life and I was just talking to my mum about it. I was so worried that if she heard that someone was attempting suicide in CAPT, she might think it was me. It suddenly dawned upon me how narrow my mindset was and how little this one assessment should mean to me. Failing one assessment is not the end of the world and I should not be too caught up on it.
It was through this that the book that Carol lent me really helped me. There is a particular part where she shared what she wrote on her twenty fourth birthday.
"Lord, I do once more acknowledge, with all my heart, that I am Thine. No claim have I upon my life, past, present, or future. I am all, all Thine own. Thou hast said, "Fear not; for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by name; thou art mine.... I will be with thee.... I am the Lord thy God.... I have loved thee.... I am with thee." (Isa 43:1-5, KJV). Therefore O dear Lord and Master, Redeemer, Lover, Friend, Beloved, do Thou work out Thine entire will in my life henceforth at any cost, in the time that is left to me on this earth. How short that may be I do not know at all, but I trust Thee. "Thy testimonies have I taken as a heritage for ever: for they are the rejoicing of my heart." "He shall preserve thy soul" (Pss. 119:111, 121: 7, KJV)"
She brought this up in the context that she didn't know what form the answer to that plea was going to take, in the form of losing her husband. Was I to know what form my prayers would take when I told God "Yes" to nursing, and when I said I would give Him full control? Did I know that it would be like that? I don't think so. But will I still trust God in doing the best I can? Yes. Even if it doesn't seem like I can anymore? Yes. Because when I cannot, He can.
After this entire episode, I feel like I grew so much more. I'm not exactly sure what God wanted me to learn from this, but it has definitely stopped me in my tracks and helped me to re-evaluate my life right now. For it is not only in the good times where I am to rely on God. In fact, I should rely even more on God in the bad and the ugly. When everything seems bleak, that's when I need him the most.
I'm glad I got out of it stronger and not cynical and doubting God or my calling to nursing. Please Lord, show me what am I to learn so that I do not need to repeat such a painful experience again.
Cheers,
Charmaine
