Thursday, November 12 Y 11/12/2015 12:26:00 AM
Well it has been a really long time.
I am now 20, and in uni. And I guess I have really grown a lot from the 16 year old me back then when I last posted in this blog.
I have grown in many ways, but this past week has been especially bad for me. Flunking all that I ever known to be able to do. I really felt like I was at my wit's end. Academics has never been much of a problem for me, but now I just feel like I can't do it. I can't study. I can't do anything. But I guess it was a good reminder. Before today, everything was swept under the carpet. All my problems and all my unhappiness, but I guess with this, I truly saw who cares for me and who just doesn't care for me.
I was lonely.
My greatest fear: To be around people, but still feel utterly and completly alone. This was what was happening in nursing. I don't feel like I click with anyone there. Everyone seems unnatural, and I just don't feel part of anything. :(
When I failed my assessment. The first thing that came into my head is: Will anyone help me? I was so afraid. I couldn't see past my immediate situation. I couldn't lift my eyes to God. I was completely and utterly lost without direction. There were 2 very pivotal resources that helped me see past my situation. The first is 2 songs from Tenth Avenue North. They are "Worn" and "Empty my Hands".
Worn: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM
Empty my hands: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fWUzs6kT1g
These two songs really helped me realign my perspectives. It was difficult. I knew I had to turn to God. But I just couldn't. This song helped me to craft my prayer. The verse sings my situation, and the pre-chorus and chorus gently lifted my eyes to see God. It was the most trying period I've ever experienced in my life.
I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn
I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes
The worst part was when I heard that someone tried to commit suicide in CAPT on Saturday as well. I was having one of the worst days in my life and I was just talking to my mum about it. I was so worried that if she heard that someone was attempting suicide in CAPT, she might think it was me. It suddenly dawned upon me how narrow my mindset was and how little this one assessment should mean to me. Failing one assessment is not the end of the world and I should not be too caught up on it.
It was through this that the book that Carol lent me really helped me. There is a particular part where she shared what she wrote on her twenty fourth birthday.
"Lord, I do once more acknowledge, with all my heart, that I am Thine. No claim have I upon my life, past, present, or future. I am all, all Thine own. Thou hast said, "Fear not; for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by name; thou art mine.... I will be with thee.... I am the Lord thy God.... I have loved thee.... I am with thee." (Isa 43:1-5, KJV). Therefore O dear Lord and Master, Redeemer, Lover, Friend, Beloved, do Thou work out Thine entire will in my life henceforth at any cost, in the time that is left to me on this earth. How short that may be I do not know at all, but I trust Thee. "Thy testimonies have I taken as a heritage for ever: for they are the rejoicing of my heart." "He shall preserve thy soul" (Pss. 119:111, 121: 7, KJV)"
She brought this up in the context that she didn't know what form the answer to that plea was going to take, in the form of losing her husband. Was I to know what form my prayers would take when I told God "Yes" to nursing, and when I said I would give Him full control? Did I know that it would be like that? I don't think so. But will I still trust God in doing the best I can? Yes. Even if it doesn't seem like I can anymore? Yes. Because when I cannot, He can.
After this entire episode, I feel like I grew so much more. I'm not exactly sure what God wanted me to learn from this, but it has definitely stopped me in my tracks and helped me to re-evaluate my life right now. For it is not only in the good times where I am to rely on God. In fact, I should rely even more on God in the bad and the ugly. When everything seems bleak, that's when I need him the most.
I'm glad I got out of it stronger and not cynical and doubting God or my calling to nursing. Please Lord, show me what am I to learn so that I do not need to repeat such a painful experience again.
Cheers,
Charmaine
Sunday, June 5 Y 6/05/2011 01:41:00 AM
Really confused right now... I mean, I just read her blog and guess what? I realised that I wasn't even that close to her in the first place... Not close enough to trust me, not close enough to hate me that deeply also I guess... But to me... She was my best friend, the one I told
ALL my secrets to, the one whom I loved dearly and hoped we would stay bffs, but I guess to you we were never like that... You never let me in, come to think of it, the fact that I never knew who you liked was a really strange thing! I mean, seriously, girls tell each other EVERYTHING right?? I guess not... :( Not with you, and I guess that's why it was easier to accept me again... The intensity of the feelings you have toward me are not so strong... That's why... Even after I've known you for so long! :( I guess it was just wishful thinking on my part... I wished and hoped and had faith in our friendship that if only I had patience and pulled through the worst part, things will all get better... but... It did, and it was the strength of the friendship that reunited us... Not quite the way I expected it to... I've always thought that
THE RECONCILIATION was the greatest success of the waiting, but it just proved to be that much of a failure I am. I did not sense (or ignored) the signs, I did not have the courage to talk to you... I wasn't even able to gain your trust then... and now you're going through a difficult time with some issues, I can't help you... I hate being pessimistic you know that?? But I loved it when you talked to me like nothing happened... But then again...
HOW can you pretend sth as
BIG as that
never happened??? Its not right... Now I look like the fool, chasing an impossible dream, ecstatic when I reached the shadow of it, only to find that it got further away from me even still. Not to mention that my life and voice and results currently suckz TTVM.
Plus. my former best friend is going through some problems and I can't help him and he won't talk to me. Congratz charmaine, your friends are not really your friends anymore...
sad and depressed
charm
Friday, May 27 Y 5/27/2011 12:14:00 AM
Just wanted to share a story I heard that is so close to my heart... (:
Once there was this wealthy man, Mr Wallace. He was a collector. Nice, antique, unique items, paintings, cutleries, tea sets, you name it, he collects it. And thus, he travels around the world, each time collecting something different, something unique to the country he lived in. Soon, as his son grew up, he followed in his footsteps and they went round the world collecting items together. And since they only had each other, they were extremely close to each other.
One day, due to the eminent war that was about to break out in their country, the son was sent to fight the war as a soldier. The father pined day and night for his safe return, just holding on to the wish that he would come back safely.
However, life is unpredictable, and will throw at you things that you always wish would not happen to you. The message one day came that his son had thrown himself at a grenade, shielding the blow from his fellow soldiers but had lost his life in that act of sacrifice for the people that he cared so much about, the people he wanted to protect. However, his father went hysterical, refusing to eat, sleep, or talk to anybody for days, weeks, months even! It felt like that grenade did not just take away his son's life, it took away his very soul.
After a few years, the war ended. A few weeks after it ended, a young man, probably about the same age as his son should he still be alive, rang his doorbell and requested to meet up with him.
"My name is Steven, and I was bunkmates with your son. I was part of the group that was there at that fateful day, where your son gave up his life to save us. The gratitude I have for your son is more than I can ever express. I'm a humble beginning artist, and I don't draw very well. However, I would like you to have this, as a way of saying thank you to you and your son for what he did for me" and with that, he left the house.
Slowly prying open the paper encasing the painting, he was taken aback by what he saw. True, the drawing wasn't the best. True, it wasn't valuable enough to be sold. But to him, it was priceless. It was the eyes. It captured so much of what his son had been like, as if the very soul of his son was in the painting. He loved it, so much, that he hanged it in his living room, where his guests could see it the moment they entered the house. He would then start talking blithely about his son, whether or not they were a willing audience.
A few years later, he died of cancer. However, being a renowned collector, his collection was to be auctioned off after his death. Thus, many people from all over the world came to the auction, to try and gain possession of some of those that he had a hold of for many years. The first piece that was to be auctioned was the painting of his son.
"No starting price, just name your first price!" Shouted the auctioneer.
Everyone stared at the painting in disgust. This wasn't a painting done by a famous artist! It wasn't even good! Nobody was willing to buy it, even for a dollar. They knew how an auction worked. If nobody was willing to buy the piece, they would eventually skip it and move on to their next piece. However, not in this case.
"Mr Wallace said that unless this painting was sold off, we were not allowed to sell other paintings!" The auctioneer announced after several minutes of awkward silences.
The housekeeper knew how important that painting was to Mr Wallace, and thus raised his hand and shouted "One hundred dollars!"
"Going once, going twice, SOLD!" Declared the auctioneer proudly, and an audible sigh of relief swept throughout the crowd.
He continued, "And the auction ends here! Mr Wallace has specifically stated in his will that whoever would buy the painting of his son, will inherit his entire fortune, including all his collection!"
Shouts of rage came from the crowd gathered there, but there was nothing that they could do. It was the testament of the father's love for his child, and how accepting his child in that worthless, ugly drawing would actually inherit his entire fortune.
That's what God is like. God sent his one and only son Jesus to die on the cross for our sins, broken and torn, looked down by mankind. However, if only we accepted him, and admit that he is our saviour and repent for our sins, then we will inherit the kingdom of heaven, which is far more than what we think is important. The best part is that, its free! We do not need to first pay the $100 to buy the painting, but rather get it free! What greater love is there?
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only begotten Son. That whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life" John 3:16
That is the promise of God, that is the gift and fortune we will inherit. The question is, will you make that choice to accept his Son today?
Thursday, May 26 Y 5/26/2011 01:04:00 AM
School these days are pointless...
I totally don't feel prepared for my SPA skill 3 at all! I have no idea what our teachers are thinking, maybe somewhere along the line that we're gifted, super smart kids that have super retention memory and can remember everything they say just by seeing/doing/hearing it once... 0.0 Well, sorry to burst your bubble teachers, we're not.
Is it possible to feel such sadness, such hate, such longing, for someone who wants nothing to do with you? Yes. Apparently so. And I've finally realised what is meant by the line separating love and hate is only a fine division, I'm really not sure about it any longer. No matter how much we can't talk, how much I'm avoided, I have the heart of longing to save him, although I know maybe I'm not the best person at this point for it. My chance came and left, and I failed. Can I not have a second chance?
School, again, is bad, as I've said at the beginning of my post. The workshop that we're forced to attend is really boring, although I know that it'll do my writing a lot of good. However, I really cannot stand the way it is being taught, and the military-like strictness of the teachers... Whatever joy and elements of fun that keeps us engaged is all stripped away... :(
Okayys, looks like its gonna be a short post today, coz its late and I gotta sleep!
Goodnight, world.
Sunday, May 22 Y 5/22/2011 12:36:00 AM
Hello :]
Blogging is an awesome de-stressor! I can totally throw everything I want in, without aving to worry, unlike facebook...
Today my day started happily :] I was rushing to choir, when I met her at the main gate :D we talked and rushed up tgt :D thx gemonn for helping us go in even though I'm pretty sure that we were at least 10 seconds late alr :P
Oh well :] I've been reading her blog, but seriously, after that day, nothing. No more mention about me!! Even though I know, we've not been talking... But... Ok charmaine stop whining.
IM NOW A LADY ON MOUSEHUNT!!!!! :D:D:D
Heehee random~ its just that its been sooo long! 1 year 5 months :D:D:D AND IM FINALLY A LADY~ heehee. :D Its not easy, reaching tis level of awesomness :D
Ok, so maybe I
am a
little obsessed with mousehunt, but then, what's the use of studying all day and not playng a little??:D Its an awesome game, and available on facebook :D you can go check it out :] just get past the first part and look at the big picture, you'll see the appeal in it :]
So, mother's day about 1 or 2 weeks ago, and we never buy anything... So... We're gonna get a bag for her tomorrow!!!! Shhhh, don't tell her!! ;)
Hahahaha I <3 Howl's moving castle teme its damn nice :]
This has been a happy post, about random stuff, I think it doesn't suit me well? But I don't like depressing posts all the time so I just thought that I'll lighten up the mood a little with a happy post of sorts :]
the love that was never meant to be, the friendship that was never meant to start...Okayy bye :]
Saturday, May 21 Y 5/21/2011 01:20:00 AM
Hi everyone out there who bothers reading my blog :]
I'm pretty sure that my blog is now dead and no one I know visits it, but I just wanna blog all of a sudden I dunno why... :]
Yupps so exams have been stressful, school sucks, but I dunno why, I feel so detached now... Maybe I'm getting old! :O hahaha :]
Time doesn't heal all wounds, it takes them, twists them, and when you try to heal it, you find that no matter how hard you try, it won't ever be the same ever again... I hate you, for doing that to me, for ignoring the obvious and letting my heart be ripped up into pieces like that by me. Now even when I try so hard, its no use, if you won't do the same...
Ok enough with all the emo stuff :] So, let me see, exams bring out the worst in people, I've never felt so miserable in my entire life... Having little hopes here and there crushed mercilessly... But it also brings out the best in people, what with all the encouragement and 'good lucks' :] oh oh oh well, every cloud has its silver lining i suppose? :]
So, I was really glad this easter, when my long long long dream of reconciliation finally came true! It was magic, and I really wished that I could have stayed on longer, but it wasn't possible... The way it turned out that day, its like we never fell out in the first place... But yet now, its like nothing on that day ever changed... We still avert our eyes at each other, not being able to say hi without that flash of uncertainty... Am I the only one feeling that way? However, I believe in our friendship, the three of us, that its not so fragile, not so paper thin that could be broken so easily... Not us. We have something special, something that united us even though our personalities were all so different... Surely we can find it again?
I love playing the piano now... Its strange, when I was learning the piano, I dreaded to practice it, but yet now, I love to play the piano for fun, and it really does make me very happy :]
hahaha okok its getting late, and I have choir tomorrow at 8.30... *sigh* nowadays, choir seem like a burden, weighing down on me... Why?? I remember I used to love choir, looking forward to every single practice, not bearing to miss a single minute of it... And now, a burden? :( sure, I love the juniors and all my friends there, but I really just feel so tired, like all my energy is being zapped from me, draining me of whatever I have left. But I really do love choir, really.
Okayyy, I shall end here...
BYE!! :D
Friday, July 30 Y 7/30/2010 10:56:00 PM
Okay, after looking at my previous posts, I think its all so depressing! So here's a not-so-depressing post!!!
Hahas, Science fair is FINALLY over, feel relieved, but slightly sad... As tiring as it may have been, it was really fun!!! I really love it (: Got to experience so many things that I would otherwise have missed out!
Oh mann, SCREWED my chem test... OK I know im gonna sound damn BHB but still, its my best, and favourite subject... its just so painful seeing it crumbling under a trainie who can't teach, or set tests for that matter. AND. His mic DOES NOT WORK. He should put it nearer his mouth at least. HAIX. I want my glory days back... :S =x
On a more cheerful side, IM DOWN FOR CHINESE REMEDIAL!!!!! -.-" LOL I'm not so lamee, but still, I really hope my chinese will improve through this... Really wanna do well for chinese... :(
Can anyone teach me HOW TO DO HISTORY?!?!?! I can't seem to get it... I can do SS but now history... :( why is it so hard?? **disclaimer, I chose history coz i prefer history to geog, and geog to e lit, and e lit to c lit, and triple science to double science... NO CHOICE. Not a humans person, SORRY, but I try!)
Hahas, random thing, mdm ho is nice.
Charis dear is damn lame/funny/cute!! :D
I really regret shouting.
I should go now... BYE!!! :]
